#I will try to listen to any ppl put in here if I haven’t previously

[vengelark]

what r y’all’s favorite albums… like what albums do u come back to time & time again I would like to know…

[villainousvillains]

Loki x Reader - Lesson Four: It’s Important to Feel Comfortable

Requested by Anon: I have an idea for another aura fic where she is in a big battle with everyone else, and as she is almost killed by a bad guy, her aura pulsates like a supernova and sends everything in a ten foot radius flying! She doesn’t know how she did the aura pulse, nor does she have control over it, so another lesson ensues to try and master the pulse!

A/N: *whispers* I love this one so much. eep. Also this title took me 20 years to come up with and I don’t like it I’m sorry. It doesn’t do this fic justice. In the process I came up with a title for another “lesson” so. Request away so I can use it. And another also, I’m posting this at a different time than normal bc I just finished it and I want to get it out as soon as possible bc I love it but then I had laptop troubles but I’ll probably reblog it tomorrow to make sure ppl see it bc I’ve seen other writing blogs do that... phew I’m kind of a crazy mess right now but writing this aura reader made me feel a lot better.

Other aura reader stuff:

Lesson One: Know Who You’re Up Against

Lesson Two: Leave the Past Alone

Lesson Three: Choose Your Words Wisely

Introductions

Ghost

“Have I taught you nothing?” Loki’s annoyed voice rang into my ear.

“Essentially!” I spat back, wiping debris and sweat off my face. Loki had been pissing me off so much today, and the fact that I was losing every battle I engaged in did not help.

“Get away from that one; I’ll handle him,” Loki barked. I sat straight up.

“No! I got it!” My feet slid in the dirt as I stood up, but I managed. My head swirled when I got to my feet and it took me a few seconds to catch my breath, but I quickly reengaged with the guy I was fighting. He was a scrawny dude, but his weapon was the biggest problem. He kept knocking me off my feet and catching me off guard, not giving me a chance to recompose.

“Stay one step ahead of him! Don’t let-”

I shut my earpiece off with a short growl, and summoned my aura to launch my body into the air, shooting wing-like shapes into the air in the color of my aura. I dodged the shots fired at me with ease, then dove in, trying to knock the weapon out of his hands. My efforts were in vain, and with a huff, I hovered back up in the air. Before I had time to react, I felt a surge of pain throughout my body. My focus was interrupted and I fell to the ground with a thud. I looked down and saw I was wrapped in some electric wire that the guy had shot from his weapon. The more I struggled, the tighter it wrapped, and the more my vision got blurry. I summed my aura the best I could, but it kept fading away. I groaned in pain, but I wasn’t about to give up. With a final burst of energy, I shut my eyes, suddenly getting my second wind. I was overwhelmed with energy and auras, consuming everything that surrounded me, then I felt no pain.

My ears rang, and I slowly opened my eyes. The wires that had previously been causing me so much pain sat beside me in useless strands, but the more surprising thing I saw was the barren wasteland that now sat in front of me. I wheezed, trying to catch my breath, as I looked that the circle I had created in the dirt and debris around me. Every bad guy we had been fighting was on the ground, which was good, but so was every avenger who had been grounded. I saw Cap sit up, dazed, and Nat laying face down.

I threw my hand to my ear to turn my communications back on. “Loki?” I breathed. “Where are you? Are you-”

“Y/n, are you okay? You weren’t near that explosion, were you?” He called back, voice frantic.

“I… I think I was the explosion.”

. . . . . . .

I never wanted to move again. My legs were sore, my arms were sore, muscles I didn’t know existed where sore. It was awful. It had been three days since the mission and the soreness had only dulled a little.

I rolled out of bed like a burrito and walked to the kitchen for breakfast, wrapped in a blanket that made me feel secure. Loki was there as I walked in, like he usually was, eating the leftover breakfast casserole we didn’t even know who had made.

“Hey,” I muttered, opening the freezer, looking for sausage biscuits.”

“Hi,” he replied, his voice sounding slightly concerned, but I ignored it. He hadn’t spoken to me much since after the mission. He was probably still mad at me. I put the biscuits in the microwave and turned around to lean against the fridge, facing Loki.

“You’re still mad,” I stated.

“Extremely,” Loki grumbled, pushing his food around with his fork.

I pursed my lips and nodded. “You’re not exactly reacting the way I thought you would.” Loki took in a deep breath, pondered saying something, then didn’t. “I’d rather you yell at me.”

“I’m not going to scold you.”

“Well, you should do something. I don’t know. You’re being annoying.”

Loki let out a grunt, making my eyes widen, not sure why I had asked him to react normally. “You are… absurd!” he exclaimed. I licked my lips and pressed them together in nervousness. “You don’t listen to me, you haven’t been using any of the skills I’ve taught you, and now you refuse to use your powers at all because of what happened last time! And you won’t talk about it with anyone! Not even me.” The last part was more of a mutter than anything else, but the rest was what I expected to hear immediately after the mission. Except for the part about me not using my powers. I didn’t think he had noticed.

“I have used my powers…”

“A blatant lie? Really? You usually try to mask it more than that,” Loki hissed, all fired up now. He stood up in a huff and threw his plates in the sink.

“I’ve only been resting,” I said, trying again. Loki turned to face me with a scary smile.

“See? Now that’s more like it,” he said with false pride, pointing a finger at me. “That one is more difficult to see through because that’s a lie you’re also telling yourself.” I rolled my eyes, exasperated by his ability to see through me. “If you believe it, then so should I,” he continued. “But the problem for you,” He came close to me and put his hands on both of my arms, “is that I know you too well.”

I looked up at him then down as I let out a sigh. “I really don’t want to use my powers again. That was… something I didn’t know I could do, and if I trigger it again... “ I trailed off and looked at Loki for reassurance.

“We’re going to have another lesson,” Loki told me, and I shook my head, fear coursing through my veins. “We’re going to have another lesson because you need to get over this fear. You’re not going to hurt anyone.”

I trusted Loki with my life, but I absolutely did not believe him.

. . . . . . .

“Start with the small stuff until you feel comfortable again,” Loki instructed. My hands shook, and I hated it. I had never been afraid of my powers. Even when I was still with my parents and they were afraid, and I still couldn’t totally control it, I knew I would never hurt anyone with it. It wasn’t like a weapon I possessed. It was my aura. It was a part of me and a part of everyone. I wasn’t creating anything out of thin air, I was using what already existed.

“I really don’t feel comfortable at all, Loki.” I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with my powers. It suddenly hurt to look at the auras that surrounded me. I wanted to crawl back in bed.

“Alright. New approach,” Loki announced, rubbing his hands together, evil villain style. He looked around at the gym. “It’s a bit tight in here, isn’t it?”

I shrugged and nodded, but Loki didn’t even look at me for a response. His aura dashed to his fingers, swirling around his palm as he raised his arm. Slowly, he moved his arm, rotating his body around the room, and as he did, the entire location changed. We were suddenly in an open, grassy field. I looked at Loki, confused.

“Where-”

“It’s actually quite hard to explain, but you won’t hurt anyone here,” Loki answered, looking around at the open field, breathing in the fresh air.

“I could hurt you,” I pointed out.

“You won’t,” he replied, not a care in the world. “Now, let’s figure this out.”

He helped me get comfortable again. He let me lift him up, talked me through relearning illusions, flying, picking up inanimate objects.

“You feel better?” Loki asked as i guided myself back down.

“Yeah,” I replied, breathing hard. I had tried to do tricks in the air.

“You really need to better your stamina,” Loki observed.

I reluctantly nodded. “Yeah, I know,” I grumbled. “I’m using my energy, though. I can’t just… make more.”

Loki picked up a finger. “Ah, which reminds me. Do you have any idea how you created that… pulse? If that was all your own power, you should have passed out or-”

“No, I should have died,” I corrected him. Loki fell silent, but I didn’t let the air stay quiet for long. “I think I used the energy from the electric rope around me? Or just from the auras around me… I’m not really sure. It was a blur.”

Loki nodded along, thinking. “I have an idea.”

“I’m not doing that again,” I said, stopping any plan he was forming.

“You need to know how to control it and how to do it,” he told me while I shook my head vigorously. “It could be very useful.”

“No, Loki. If something goes wrong I don’t know what could happen.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“I might!” I barked. “Once again, I don’t know-”

“I can protect myself.” Loki’s voice felt like he was putting a spell on me. So firm and confident but also soothing and gentle.

“You haven’t in the past,” I argued, thinking back to the two times I launched him across a room with barely any effort.

Loki tilted his head with a smirk. “You think I would let you push me over that many times and not figure out how to defend myself? Don’t forget our first lesson.”

“How could I ever?” I said dryly, shaking my head. “You only bring it up every five seconds.”

“Trust me,” Loki said, tilting his head down, forcing me to look in his eyes. “It’s better for you to do this.”

I bit the inside of my lip and looked around that the open, harmless area. “Fine!” I gave in. “Okay. Fine. Let’s do this. What’s your… stupid idea.”

Loki let out a laugh. “Alright. I’ll summon as much magic as I can. I’m not completely sure how the summoning works. Usually I just… do things, but I’ll try, then you use that energy along with some of yours to create the pulse.”

I sighed and nodded.

“But,” Loki continued, remembering something. “Not too much of your own.”

I continued nodding, then shook my arms out, getting ready. “Okay,” I breathed. “Okay, okay, I’m ready.”

Loki gave a short nod and shut his eyes. I watched him more intently than I every had. His aura became a deep green and flowed around him like a current. It was beautiful. I snapped out of it before I became to dazed and focused his energy the best I could. I felt awake again, like I had during the mission. Loki summoned so much power, it was almost more than what I had felt before. I shut my eyes, quickly becoming overwhelmed. What I previously had thought was just a second wind, I knew now was just pure energy. Pure aura. Whether it was Loki’s natural aura, his magical aura, or my own aura, I had it all. I felt a rush, then a familiar ringing in my ears that meant it was over.

My eyes stayed shut longer than they really needed to, but I almost never wanted to open them again. I was scared of what I might see. When I finally managed to open my eyes, I wasn’t too surprised. The grassy field was now mainly dirt and upturned plants. I whipped around, trying to find Loki, but he wasn’t where he had been.

“Loki,” I said, almost growling. He had promised I wouldn’t hurt him. He had told me he would be fine. If he even had a scratch, I was going to kill him. “Loki?” I called, louder this time.

“Here.” I heard a gravelly voice call from behind a small hill that used to be covered in grass. I ran over to the voice despite my legs being jelly. I jumped to the bottom of the small hill and found Loki there, on his back, face covered in dirt.

“You said you wouldn't get hurt!” I screamed, angrier than I had ever been. “Fuck, Loki, you said!”

“I’m fine!” He assured me, trying to sound confident but it failed when he grimaced slightly as he sat up. I fell to his side, conflicted between being concerned or furious. “I’m really fine. It happened more suddenly that I thought it would, so I was just a bit late in deploying my shield.”

“I swear to god, Loki, I’m so pissed right now I just-” I growled through clenched teeth. Loki laughed and put his hand on my arm. I glared at him in response.

“That was impressive,” he said, looking at me in admiration.

“Thanks,” I muttered in response. “I don’t like doing it.”

“But now you know how. It could be-”

“Very useful, I know.”

Loki nodded and looked down, then back at me. “No one is going to force you to use it. We don’t have to tell the others about this.”

I licked my lips. “I’d rather not.”

Loki and I looked at each other in understanding and in… something else that I couldn’t pinpoint.

“You have so much dirt on your face,” I said with a small smile. Loki only kept staring at me, one eyebrow ever so slightly cocked, as if I hadn’t said anything. I cleared my throat. “Hello? Earth to Loki?” I  waved a hand in front of him, snapping him out of whatever trance he had been in.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Shall we return?”

I nodded, eyebrows furrowed, and he put us back in the gym within seconds. Loki’s aura was still fairly active as we stood up, and mine was as well, despite having recovered from my aura pulse. But it was strange because I didn’t feel energetic or frantic or overwhelmed like when I was about to release the pulse.

I suddenly reached my arm out and grabbed Loki’s sleeve, forcing him to look at my distraught facial expression. “Oh my god,” I said, heart racing. “I forgot my sausage biscuits in the microwave.”

Another A/N: Okay wait wouldn’t “Pulse” be a cool superhero name for aura reader? Maybe that’s just me? Idk I feel like that’s pretty damn cool.

TAGGED:

@sarahivi @ilvermornyqueen @gladerb5 @tbetz0341 @1800-fight-me @nowitsyourturntocry @lokilover2000 @emergenciesstory @savemealoevera @frostymoon11 @stayfrosty-royalsunshine @scarred-neptinite @phonegalhelp @cruisingheightswithdragons @lusty-loki @ourdeliciousfoxcollector

[stupidpianist]

9 october 2018

18:06: It’s 18:06 while I’m starting this post and I’m, like, “therapeutically” listening to Glenn Gould perform Chopin’s third sonata over my speakers, and I have this apples and cinnamon candle going to my right. My brain is saying, “burn, baby, burn, yeah, that’s right,” at the candle, I think.

Deciding to do this through mutual “peer pressure” I’m getting from continuously reading Knausgaard’s My Struggle for the last several years, and more recently from Megan Boyle’s just-published Liveblog, which I’m now, like, fifty-one pages in, feeling increasingly obsessed with each subsequent page (i mean like the books are peer pressuring me i don’t mean like ppl are, attacking me, or something, for not doing this). I’m gonna quote the start of her liveblogging experiment:

“Starting today, march 17, 2013, i will be liveblogging everything i do, think, feel, and say, to the best of my ability. right now there is no one i talk to frequently enough to effect by my failure to follow through with tasks i said i’d do. the only person ‘keeping tabs’ on my life is me. as time has been passing, i have been feeling an equally uncontrollable sensation of my life not belonging to me or something. like it’s just this event i don’t seem to be participating in much, and so could be attending by mistake. maybe i wasn’t invited. clerical error. i witness myself willfully allowing opportunities to fade away, because sometimes, for whatever reason, it is hard for me to do things that i know will make me happy.

i can’t control getting older but i can control what i do as i age. also, i feel like my memory is deteriorating. i used to like documenting my daily activities. that seemed to help me remember more. lately the things i’ve been doing haven’t felt worth remembering, but i feel like that could just be a mind trick, and if i start writing more again, i’ll convince myself everything is basically the same as however many years ago it was when i felt more satisfied or hopeful or whatever it is i don’t feel now.

**THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE INTERESTING** **I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO MAKE THIS SOUND INTERESTING OR TRY TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME OR THINK ABOUT IF YOU ARE READING THIS OR ENJOYING READING THIS, IT’S JUST GOING TO BE WHAT IT IS: A FUNCTIONAL THING THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HELP ME FEEL MORE LIKE IMPROVING MYSELF**”

Feel strongly that this, p. wholly, encompasses why I’m gonna try doing this again, too. Previously “in my life” I used to make, like, daily videos, or “vlog”-type things, and for another period, I wrote one short story a day, and for another period, I wrote, like, a letter-a-day to the general public describing what I did that day, and during each of these periods, I think I felt my general productivity, motivation, mood, well being, increase notably.

Also feel strongly that I won’t be able to, nearly as accurately, follow my day minute-by-minute as Megan did, will probably revert to something I write at the end of each day, or something, I’m not sure yet, or, like, maybe smaller posts as the day goes on? I don’t know give me a couple of days to figure it out please, I really don’t, I’m not sure.

Feel excited by this, feeling like, “yeah, this is a good thing to do, yeah, yeah, you do this, George, just ‘give it a shot,’ ‘go for it,’ ‘you got this.’”

18:22: Just got a text from my mom that said “the big pile is beans! Silly” in response to my replying “too spicy!” to a photograph she sent me, of a mound of flat beans, and a couple of cayenne peppers next to them. I just replied, “I meant the big red peppers.” I’m grinning a lot.

(earlier today) 09:00: Woke this morning to the sound of workers on the floor above mine still renovating apartments. They do this aggressive, rhythmic hammering, which then stops for a few seconds, then resumes for a seconds, then stops for a few seconds, then resumes again. Made it extremely hard to “sleep in,” which I wasn’t even planning on doing, but after cancelling all of my alarms, I sort of just drifted in-and-out of sleep in a weird numb stupor. 

12:00: Eventually got out of bed, feeling semi-disgusted at myself.

Decided to go with a “classic” outfit today, something from my youth, something from years past, something timeless. Chose brown pants with repeated cartoon raccoon pattern on it, grey long-sleeve shirt, “Don’t Give Up. Never Give Up.” black hoodie. 

13:00: Felt “mild amazement” that I was “somehow, already” dressed, in a vaguely positive way.

I was like, “yes, yes, yes, keep riding out this positive emotion,” and made a “G Fuel” energy shake. Strawberry shortcake flavour. Highly recommend. Chugged smoothie while idly watching YouTube videos of tech topics. Had a moment where I was like, “oh crap, dude, you’ve only got, like, five hours of productivity left in the day, you gotta leave, get out of your apartment dude, leave, leave now,” and then, sort-of panicking, grabbed backpack, headphones, iPod, put on shoes, ran out of apartment to McLennan library.

13:16: Yeesh it was so warm today, like, what happened? We gonna get autumn or what, huh? You too chicken to “bring on the cold”? Got to the library, sweating like a disgusting piggie. Chose a computer in the Cybertheque area, couldn’t sit next to the windows where I usually like to sit to squirrel and people watch out my peripherals. I was all, “man you’re gonna get so much done, you’re gonna get all that goodass studying done aren’t you, you’re gonna breeze through these readings,” and then NOPE nada that is not what happened at all. I just pulled up Spotify and played Grouper and then read more of Megan’s Liveblog for like three straight hours, with “intense focus,” I felt, like, “undeviating focus,” like, “laser-like focus,” like, “hawk-like attention to detail.” Felt mildly insane, like, I absolutely could not believe how engrossed in the book I was.

I WASN’T ALL UNPRODUCTIVE look here me out please, you have to at least be on my side a LITTLE: okay here’s the productive things I did okay:

-checked electricity/hydro bill

-checked when midterms were

-checked work schedule for the week

Look I know I know it’s not a lot but please just shut up for like two seconds gosh

A strange thing that started happening—even though my mood started, like, at 7.5/10 when I got to the library, after three hours it dropped, like, severely. Like a lot, I have no idea why, just the natural curve of the day I guess but like by 17:00 I was at a 3/10 if that and was like, “I gotta get out of here, get out of here, yo, hey, stand up, walk outside, get some of that ‘sweet, sweet’ sunlight before the sun disappears for another twelve or thirteen hours, go, log out of the computer, move your butt, move faster, go go go go” and then the “go”s continued faster and faster until I was outside, and, like, dancing a bit to the album I was playing (Prequelle, by Ghost. Been listening to a lot of Ghost recently. Been really “Ghost”ing it up, if you smell what I’m cookin’.)

Then while walking I was like, “alright, okay, it’s ‘time,’ when you get home, just start writing, just ‘do it,’ it doesn’t matter if you have nothing to say, you’ll thank yourself later,” and alsoo another part of my brain was going “start yoga, you promised [your best friend] Alli you’d start yoga, you even told me you wanted to start yoga, why haven’t you started it yet????”

18:40: Earnestly feeling a lot better, yeah, yeah, I am!! I’m gonna finish this post for today but wow that actually helped a lot. I know that Megan’s liveblog experiment ended up having net-detrimental effects on her life, we’ll have to see “how this goes.” Also unfair to compare each experiment as hers was minute-by-minute, and mine is like totally not minute-by-minute to such a significant degree that the data sets can’t be cross-referenced, I feel? I don’t know.

Do any of u ppl have a yoga mat you are looking to sell or could let me borrow? My apartment floor is linoleum and almost as uncomfortable as it is unpleasant to look at. I have, like, this rug from Ikea, but it’s not really in a good position for “yoga-like purposes,” nor is it especially padded, or furry, or like, whatever, you know what I’m trying to say. Gonna use it for now and just “see how it goes,” maybe it’ll actually be just fine? Gosh I don’t even know, feel so unsure about everything. Feeling hopeful, though, feeling “very hopeful,” this was a lot of fun, yeah, yes; gonna try and put in more detail tomorrow, with more timestamps “for accuracy,” or something. Feel strongly that this will be possible, will be bringing around a notebook to “log things in” now that htis project has started, yeah, uh-huh, mhmm, yes yes yes

[gontagokuhara]

im awfully curious to know why u think zoe is a lesbian! could u tell me pls?

since ive been having to ignore more and more “actually, stupid lesbian, zoe is [other sexuality], and NOT a lesbian” asks i have 2 preface this by saying: this is all Headcanons™ but imma be real w yall. i dont care zoe murphy is a WHOLE ass lesbian

anyways here are my main points:

1: the curious case of zoe & evan

• this isnt a “zoe and evan’s relationship was fucked up and heres why” post but listen: it was. • it’s often used to justify bi zoe (still valid! just not my brand or hc for her) but wht i think a lot of ppl just like. fail to realize is that lesbians? really often date men before realizing theyre lesbians? dating a man once (or even many times!) doesnt automatically cancel any chance of a girl being a lesbian• but more on zoe & evan specifically: their relationship simply wasn’t…genuine. zoe’s just lost her brother, whom she’d been receiving abuse from for who knows how long, and suddenly someone comes in and claims to have all the answers as to why this is happening? that already puts this whole situation into a tailspin• the intentions aren’t malicious, but she’s being fed lies about who her brother was and what he thought of her. ‘if i could tell her’ is Vert instrumental in developing zoe and evan’s relationship, and not in a good way. she’s being shown conflicting views of who her brother was against what she knew him as, and so soon after his death and while she’s coping with the trauma she’s being faced with i wouldn’t put her in the best state of mind• more than that though, evan is lying to her throughout their entire relationship. and this isn’t me trying to demonize evan either, but the fact remains that connor’s death and evan’s chain of actions following it are the sole reason he and zoe end up together. so i’d hardly call it a good relationship• correct me if i’m wrong but it’s right before zoe kisses evan that she says “you gave me my brother back.” the start of their [zoe and evan’s] is marked by the lies evan has been telling about connor and it’s solely because of this that she relates to evan (because previously in the show, she showed absolutely no interest in him outside of concern after he’s pushed).• tldr: zoe is (without malicious intent, but nevertheless) being lied to about her brother by evan, and it’s only because of what evan is telling her about connor and how they relate on that front that they enter a relationship in the first place. i’d call it hero worship over actual attraction

2: her wardrobe

• okay the above section was my serious section now this is more descending into joke-y territory but. the fact remains• seeing the show is…truly eye opening in regards to lesbian zoe. first off, not only does connor (known & accepted gay) have pins on his bag: so does zoe! i was so focused on connor’s pins that i didnt take note of what hers were but. having pins on ur backpack is a gays only event• i just reblogged a post about this djcndidjfid but. just take a look at ANY picture of zoe’s costuming. she’s always wearing plaid, or denim, or both. those belong to lesbians• SHE WEARS OVERALLS AT ONE POINT. listen. im not a religious person, but i could truly feel god looking out for me when zoe walked out on stage wearing overalls• she also vandalizes her clothes (“stars on the cuffs of her jeans”). thats a very lesbian thing

3: jazz band

• she plays the guitar in jazz band. • need i say more. she plays songs on her guitar and when she sings along she changes the pronouns to make them gay

4: my lopinion (lesbian opinion)

• i see…a lot of myself in zoe, and i’ll be the first to admit that a decent chunk of my reasoning behind zoe being a lesbian is projection. • outside of that though, zoe being a lesbian just makes a lot of sense. she shows no interest in evan whatsoever until he starts making her rethink her views on her brother. she seems almost compelled to be interested in him because of what he’s doing for her and her family. she has real difficulty accepting things about herself that fall outside the norm (notably, how she doesn’t mourn connor in the way the world wants her to, or how her experience as an abuse survivor is valid even though her abuser had his own issues).• again, all of this is obviously headcanon but! i haven’t a doubt in my mind that post canon, after she rids herself of the disaster that was her and evan’s relationship and begins the process of healing from the trauma she faced, she learns to accept all sorts of things (like the fact that her brother wasn’t a good person to her, and she doesn’t have to grieve in a traditional way for him. that she has been royally screwed over by the people in her life, but that doesn’t reflect on her as a person. and the fact that she undoubtedly, unceasingly, loves girls and girls exclusively)

thanks for coming to my tedtalk. make 2018 the year lesbian zoe murphy rises

[checkyesifulikeme]

okay wow so much has gone on over the past couple of days i’m still reeling in shock but it’s almost a blissful state of shock if that’s even possible LOL. first things first i’m feeling very anxious abt getting a new job, i’ve been unemployed for a little over a month now and my guilt is picking at my brain and heartstrings like those little fish that eat the dead skin off of the bottoms of ppl’s feet. 

SO i’m definitely going to Saddle Up and apply to whatever coffee spots are hiring, although i know my chances of being hired will be much greater by the END of next month (graduation = university students quitting their jobs&going back home) but i can’t wait that long because i feel like the universe is fixing me with a judgmental glare. i haven’t taken time off of working since high school really so maybe i’m just a bit of a workaholic despite Hating mindless labor idk i feel guilty/useless very easily ok !!!!!! but it’s not as bleak as it sounds. i’ve actually had an amazing month being unemployed (my bday month!) and i’ve finally started my journey on bettering my mental health which is something i’ve continuously put on the back-burner my entire life. so this was long overdue. i believe the prozac has actually been helping a ton (it’s the same anti-depressant my mom is on N we’re very very very similar in our mental health so makes Cents). i’m still looking for a therapist and i’m on a waiting list for a second opinion from a different psychiatrist in my city (there r unfortunately very few psych doctors where i live) because the one i originally went to diagnosed me in a kind of alarming manner??? i questioned it immediately but everyone told me to just trust him but fr he diagnosed me based off of 1 appointment and my answers on a sheet of paper, not even bothering to ask me about any of my symptoms in depth at ALL and immediately prescribing 3 different medications idk i was super weirded out but at least i got a good anti-depressant out of it lmfao (i’m not taking the other 2, both of which are anti-psychotics that left me brain dead). 

aside from the mental health stuff i’ve been feeling extremely elated and joyous about life lately. i’ve gotten back into reading (read an entire book in 3 days and i’ve gotten a little over halfway through the goldfinch which i began reading like 2 or more years ago by now lolll) which i’ve been meaning to do for years and years. i finished my first sewing project! gotten a lot better w/ maintaining a clean space, watering my plants on a schedule/much more efficiently than before (i don’t have to haul them all into the tub every time they need to be watered) and i’ve been a lot more in tune with my emotions and needs as well as the needs of those i love. one of the worst parts of my mental health is the chafing irritability i feel for no good reason and the erratic ebb and flow of my feelings but since being put on prozac i’ve felt like i have a healthier grasp of things which makes my heart burst with joy because much of my life i’ve spent living in a perpetually ‘muddled’ state. it’s nice.

on top of all this, last night by ex best friend texted me a longggg apology/explanation of why he disappeared from my life about ~4 months ago and it made me cry. he’s flying back from london and will be back on monday so i’m probably going to meet up w him and my sister sometime next week! i almost felt this coming but didn’t at all at the same time lol idk how to explain. i was extremely hurt losing him as well as my other ‘best friend’ at the time but since then i’d sort of deaded those emotions and pushed forward and i’ve actually been doing really well for myself even if it can be lonely at times. i still had my online friends who i cherish so so so dearly, my boyfriend and my family and have been focusing on just Me and my inner workings and habits and how i can be better to myself and those around me, more involved more present more vocal about my love for them. more open to sharing myself. sharing myself has always been one of my biggest road blocks because i am so debilitated by fear (of rejection of judgement of being fully Seen). but i’m trying to move past this. i really am. i think i can overcome this fear by utilizing the even stronger force inside of me that craves connection, craves being seen but even moreso seeing others too and allowing them to know that they are loved and heard and cared for and i am here to help. although me and this friend’s relationship has been literally all over the damn place i truly believe from the bottom of my heart that he is a loving person. he has been damaged but we all have. idk. forgiveness is beautiful to me and i just feel so deeply that re-connecting will only make our friendship that much stronger. with so many of my ex friends i do not feel this way. re-kindling does not feel needed or entirely possible, really. but i have met very few ppl so in tune with my mindset, we’re very very different and have lived through VERY different circumstances but our inner workings resonate, if that makes sense. and he brought that up in our conversation last night and it just brings tears to my eyes. he said something along the lines of “i just don’t want to lose a genuine connection with another person especially in a fucked up world like this because they truly are so rare.” and i agree. i connect w so many people in different ways, i think all of us do or have the capacity to at least, but that deep understanding and history and mutual growth and love is rare, i think. i don’t feel like i can fully explain it here and now but idk i’m just super emotional over this because like i said i had previously deaded the possibility of reconnection in my mind, largely because i no longer knew how my (previously) best friends saw me anymore or had potentially even seen me to begin with. but him reaching out allowed me to understand a little bit more and i am certainly not beyond forgiveness because GOD KNOWS i have not been a perfect person. none of us have. my boyfriend is apprehensive but i know it’s just out of his protectiveness over me and he’d never hinder my autonomy to chose where i go from here. and i understand. he’s the one who had to stay up with me countless nights while i cried and lost my mind and blew up his phone with texts about how worthless and angry i felt and beat myself up time and time again so believe me i understand. it’s going to be a process but i just know forgiveness is absolutely the right choice. part of this journey for me is listening to my heart and she wants to forgive. see and be seen. hear and be heard. love is all that matters to me at the end of the day and i am not going to deny it.